i kind of want to destroy myself.  ive got this ache at the base of my spine that somehow makes me breathe faster, and without traveling up my spine the ache makes my eyes start to water. when i start to feel this i know i’ve got two options this side of crying.

there’s explosive gluttony, pulsing blue neon lights shoot behind my eyeballs and explode, floodlamps bright in my sockets for a few precious seconds, giving me incredibly clear perception of a place that does not actually exist.  this will leave me either seeing stars and sedated, or hellishly restless and unable to sleep. i never know which.

behind door number two is the pharmaceutical alternative: two milligrams of soothing bliss, my heartbeat turned to a low bass drum acompanying angelic crescendos of explosions in the sky weaving through nearby speakers.  my mind will wander heroicly through the epic record of lives and losses, and in the morning i’ll have just a little bit of memory loss.  i don’t mind anymore, it’s listed on the side of the bottle as likely. somehow every time i know that while the details are sketchy, i’ve won the war with not a scar to be seen.

neither of these suceeds at destroying me, but it does do away with the ache.

door number one, door number two…  one, two, one, two, one… two.

*edit: as of morning i realized i didnt keep up with the promise i made in my previous post. if you want you can cut/paste this into textedit and replace all “,” with ” “. sorry.