i opened up to someone a few months ago, completely and without holding back, including all the gory details, hangups, struggles, and fears i normally wont tell people about.  over the course of the next few months i found a comfort in that friendship unlike any i’ve known before - acceptance, the ability to be myself and feel whatever i was feeling without actively hiding to fight, to keep myself from becoming a burden; there was no pretending.

suddenly, disaster!

i’m not sure what to do anymore.  honestly, im having trouble knowing who i am these days.  for a few precious weeks, i felt a million wonderful things about myself i thought had died ten years ago surface.  i was myself again, and it didnt take years of therapy, it didnt take drugs; it was genuine.

then the war came.

now, im not sure which bits of me are real and which were an illusion.  i want to open up to someone else, full disclosure, no hiding, but it’s harder to stand up and start fresh each and every time a friendship starts to disintegrate.  i guess this is all pretty normal, boring stuff to read, it’s pretty universal.  does me good to awknowledge it, and my mac is easier to reach than a journal.

i just wish i could grab onto the man i was ten years ago and hold on forever.

tonight will be a big indicator of what comes next.  i want to find it in me to expose everything without fear, i know some people love me and want to know me better.  the timing is horrid, and im trying, and i will.  its just timing.